Dominik's Sermon III

by **Dominik** Sat Dec 12, 2009 1:05 pm

On people you should kill and those you should probably avoid killing.

Let us start with our father's prayer:

In the name of The Dominik, The Uraczak and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, amen. Oh almighty occupant of the Heavens, Dominik, we request that you bless all those who are good and damn the enemies of society into the pits of hell. May each day of suffering upon this earth be a reminder to the faithful of the paradise awaiting you in the Afterlife.

In the name of The Dominik, The Uraczak and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, amen.

Now, a short list of the kinds of people you should and shouldn't kill and the method of death.

Kill
Annoying people- microwave their heads, pump cement up their rectums, or drop heavy objects upon them (avoid pianos and anvils)

People who use the phrase "half-full" as opposed to "half-empty"- fire them out of a cannon, have them mauled by a bear (except Polar Bears) or decapitated using a toothbrush and/or penguin on a hang glider.

People with the screen name "Scorpius", unless they're not Jewish-American- boil in a hot tub, suffocate between the fat of a morbidly obese person, or be put in a room with a gun with one bullet where Lady Gaga is played through Loudspeakers.

Don't Kill
People who do not believe in the EXACT way you do, don't believe in YOUR God, or don't buy your brand of cereal- note, these people may still be killed if they meet any of the above criteria.

People who claim to be deities

People who are batshit insane (not to be confused with annoying people)

People who from first glance appear to be in a violent street gang.

People who are more than 4 inches taller and/or 50 Lbs. heavier than you, UNLESS armed with an Uzi with orange stripes painted on it, that plays the Terminator theme when you fire it.

If ever you are in doubt, My sons, over who should be killed and who not, do not hesitate to come to this Temple and ask. In fact, you can simply request them to be smitten by calling 1-800-DOMSMITE (44$ a minute) where you will be put on hold listening to crappy soft rock for half an hour.

Now, with a closing prayer: In the name of The Dominik, The Uraczak and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, amen. May You smite our enemies (and Scorpius) so that they will never walk this earth again, and only then will we be admitted into the Afterlife, unless we die on a Thursday when our offices close at 5:00 PM. In the name of The Dominik, The Uraczak and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, amen.

Drive safe and make sure to tune into the next sermon, where I will specify who you can and cannot rape in the ear while wearing a batman suit and cowboy boots.