Dominik's Sermon V

by **Dominik** Sun Dec 20, 2009 3:11 pm

In the name of the Dominik and of the Uraczak and of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, R'amen. Dear Dominik, may we see the light, especially if it's dim and orange and may the batteries in our flashlights never run out, especially if we're out in the woods taking a dump that summer in Ontario when I ruined my best pair of hiking shoes. In the name of the Dominik and of the Uraczak and of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, R'amen.

Today, I thought we would clarify our theology and the role of each aspect of our faith in our lives.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster: The FSM is the centre of our beliefs. He created the universe as we know it, except for Mexico- that was spawned by Satan.

The Dominik- Dominik is the earthly representative of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and His reincarnation. Dominik came upon this earth to fulfill His word, and to make an ass out of Argityarg. Also, getting that suit dry-cleaned is near the top of His To-Do List, right before "Abolish all evil in the world".

The Uraczak- the most mystical and controversial of all of the aspects of our faith. Between you and Me, We only added him so we could have a trinity. Our theology holds that the Uraczak always was and always will be. Uraczak is the embodiment of the Universe. Rather, all of Us are a part of The Uraczak; it's just that Uraczak has the most of The Uraczak flowing within, hence our Lord, the FSM, blessed him with the name "Uraczak". Makes sense? No? Well, you good sire, are retarded.

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Now, let's discuss the role of the Saints. The Saints, I have just decided (as a God I can do that...... and yo-u-u can't!) will serve the same function the Greek Deities did, simply because they kicked so much ass and got so much pussy.

Saint Kelly Mahoney- The equivalent of the Greek Athena. Considered a Holy Prophet in our religion, mostly due to being one of the only girls on the internet sausagefest.

His Holiness Saint Pope Shugo- The (now-deceased) first leader of the FSM church, instrumental in its foundation. Our Holy Books speak of his second coming, but our Holy Books also make a lot of shit up, so I wouldn't trust them..... though they were right about Michael Jackson.

Saint David Eastcorner- A valiant political leader of the early DAL community. His existence has not been confirmed by any historical documents even though I could have sworn I spoke to him a few weeks ago...... Roman equivalent of Mars (the Greek Ares). Also, God of Chocolate Chips.

Saint Scorpius- Although the Early Church canonised Scorpius, Historical writings are vague; The Book of Truth (established by historians as a book of lies) paint Scorpius as a hero and great warrior. The Book of Lies, however, (regarded by Historians as a book of truth) recreates Scorpius as a well-known coward and traitor, describing Scorpius as having fled from a butterfly on the day of the beginning of the Trojan siege. He is the God of jumbo Shrimp and clown-noses.

Anyway, this is the end of My first batch of Sermons, you may purchase them all on DVD for only 49.95$. If you call in within the next 20 minutes, you will get this beautiful hat for absolutely FREE:

Dominik's Sermon V Vl-ch